Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I am hesitant to write in my other sites.
I can't block my followers but i don't want to be followed again.
I hate my attitude. Now, I want to be alone.
I hate being pressured..being asked of my decisions.
Can't you just wait and see??!!

I have my own thinking.
Your thoughts are too late!
I have felt your questions before you have asked.
So please STOP 'coz I'm tired of myself!!

How can i let go of someone who needs my presence?
I can't hurt those who have loved me faithfully.
I can't cause a pain. But it's very painful inside.
Very painful.

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Friday, September 10, 2010


If there's one thing God would grant me now, it would be having another character. One that is weird, one that can talk one language that no one can translate, no one has discovered.

If He would ask me what design I want to format my life, it would be the one with a confusing pattern. One that no one can understand, no formulas can solve.

If He would promise to give the kind of people I would wish to have, I won't decide. I won't answer. Why? 'Coz I don't know whom to trust. Most have failed me. Most I have damaged.

If there's one wish left for me to say..it would be..blocking the air that enters my system.



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

6th of July 2010

I'm using this site again for the sake of pouring the burden inside me. I feel like I wanna burst. I am so empty. At work, I am treated as the life-saver, I do this, I do that, I make them happy. But when I walk out of the building, I am just an ordinary being, a total stranger to everyone. The moment I get inside the apartment, I am like a prisoner..trapped in this flesh, helpless.

I open my email notifications every day to see the people who are not yet tired of me. They made me smile. It is simply amazing to think that these strangers can lift my nerves in a way. I am grateful for them in silence. But I just can't talk to them because of this emptiness. I never face people when I'm sad, especially those people who always see the hyper crazy side of me.

Beanie is currently under repair. If only I could tell everything without having this pain..but I can't.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

just nothing

I wanted to distract my attention. I feel bothered but can't point the reason why. I chose to write on this site so as not to expose my thoughts with everyone on bloggers world. Good thing I had this blog with only few followers (little chance of hearing bean). I need some people to listen, I don't want a crowd right now.

I felt so lonely at the moment. It's like I've been trapped in a closet while the world is moving fastest on the outside. I wanted to be happy. I'm searching for that kind of happiness that can speak right inside me. Not just laughter, not just kiddie stuffs, not just funny conversations. I can't find it.

Music can't get the feeling out of me. When I'm done with this blog, I'm not sure what I was about to feel. Maybe I can search what I've been searching for when I can have myself hit by some fast-moving car outside this building. Who knows? I can have an amnesia and forget everything and everyone. Maybe if some bastards can make a hole in my side, then I can prove I'm still having a life through the blood that flows from my open flesh. Maybe then I can wake up.

I wish I could make this post longer enough so as to lose the interest of my readers. I am obliging myself to be a happy person in front of the bloggers world. Thinking that I could just eat the lollies I've been saying in my wall. I wish those lollies have the power to drain all the sadness. I wish they could.

I wish to be nice at all times. I don't want to fail people, even the virtual people and friends. I wish to stay sweet every minute. They like me if I'm sweet but they can't understand when rudeness gets out of me. I seem like the friendliest creature in bloggers having more than a thousand of exchanging comments in my wall. Anyone says that..and I doubt if it's a good thing or not.

I don't know what I'm thinking. God please help.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


..masked people are all around us..they give their warmest smiles though they bear heavy pains in their hearts..who can blame them? ..they have a choice..yet,they fail to choose them for the sake of those that they love..
..some people can't unveil their weaker sides 'coz of the some who depend their strengths on them..they must see you tough for them to be strong too..they must feel your passiveness for them to be insensitive of the misery the world allows them to have..
..but what they must realize is..THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL..'coz they are scarred people..the scars inflicted inside their weak senses make them beautiful than they never would've thought..those marks of the cruel life reminds them to face life each day with an armor of smile..and thus mold them to be more beautiful souls on earth...