just nothing

I wanted to distract my attention. I feel bothered but can't point the reason why. I chose to write on this site so as not to expose my thoughts with everyone on bloggers world. Good thing I had this blog with only few followers (little chance of hearing bean). I need some people to listen, I don't want a crowd right now.

I felt so lonely at the moment. It's like I've been trapped in a closet while the world is moving fastest on the outside. I wanted to be happy. I'm searching for that kind of happiness that can speak right inside me. Not just laughter, not just kiddie stuffs, not just funny conversations. I can't find it.

Music can't get the feeling out of me. When I'm done with this blog, I'm not sure what I was about to feel. Maybe I can search what I've been searching for when I can have myself hit by some fast-moving car outside this building. Who knows? I can have an amnesia and forget everything and everyone. Maybe if some bastards can make a hole in my side, then I can prove I'm still having a life through the blood that flows from my open flesh. Maybe then I can wake up.

I wish I could make this post longer enough so as to lose the interest of my readers. I am obliging myself to be a happy person in front of the bloggers world. Thinking that I could just eat the lollies I've been saying in my wall. I wish those lollies have the power to drain all the sadness. I wish they could.

I wish to be nice at all times. I don't want to fail people, even the virtual people and friends. I wish to stay sweet every minute. They like me if I'm sweet but they can't understand when rudeness gets out of me. I seem like the friendliest creature in bloggers having more than a thousand of exchanging comments in my wall. Anyone says that..and I doubt if it's a good thing or not.

I don't know what I'm thinking. God please help.